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Oct. 27th, 2009 @ 05:44 pm Its like my brain is on lock down
Current Mood: crappycrappy
In any given situation i normally ant think of anything to say and it seems like other people have loads to say. I dont know whats wrong with me bt it seems like my brain doesnt work when it comes to common conversation. I sit there listening to people and as im listening i rack my brain for something to say. I want to be the life of the party. The talkitive person in the group. But instead of that, im a boring lifeless dumbass. Its so frustrating. Its not that i dont care its that i cnt find anything to say! Why do i have this fucking curse!?
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Oct. 24th, 2009 @ 09:34 pm Porn
Current Mood: dirtydirty
So....i must speak an opinion of mine. I want to know why porn is frowned upon? I know way back when showing off your body was horrible. You had to keep it a secret. But now....seeing a boob or a penis...its normal. So, why do people say that porn is bad. We are just watching one, two or multipal people engaging in sexual activity. Nothing bad. It a way to stimulate yourself. You go to the internet, instead of going to your head for ideas when your masturbating. I dont really see the harm in watching porn other then exposing a little kid to sex at a really young age...might tramitize them depending on the catagory you are viewing. Im not an avid watcher of porn...but if i feel like it, i know its there for my viewing plesure....literally.

All in all, porn should not rule your life....but when you need a quick way to get horny, it will always be there for you...if youre 18 and older of course.
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Sep. 18th, 2009 @ 07:08 pm MOVING!!!!!
Yes, I am moving. Its crazy. Im getting out of here. I guess you can say im leaveing the nest. But Im moving in with my mom. Soooo, Im going to another nest. One that is easier to love the person i love. Its very cool. But its finally happening. You would think when you are 13 or 14, well...this is what i thought....i thought i would never get here. I didnt think i would ever say that im moving. Some of me is scared because after i leave with my mom for about a month, ill me moving in with my older brother. I cnt expect him to pick me up when i get knocked down. Im paying rent which is scary. Ive never done that. Im gonna be going to college and working. That alllll going to happen probably in november. Crazy right? I know. But i t has to be done. I need to move on. Grow up. Crazy.
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Aug. 13th, 2009 @ 07:35 pm *sigh*
Current Mood: crappycrappy
I only post when i feel that i need to let out my feelings. There are a lot of things that jump around in my head but i dont have a close enough friend to share/let out my feelings to. Which is sad because, i want that. I want a friend that i can yell at and cry on there shoulder. I want a friend that i know will be there for me. I have my girlfriend. Shes been my bestfriend for...five years. But, since shes my girlfriend....i cant share things to her...about her. You know? And thats hard because thats practically the only person i talk to throuhout the day. I mean, i love her. I talk to her about a lot of things but i need a friend for other stuff.
Since i dont have a friend,so, ndeya wants to restrict herself. She wants to get a scale and weigh herself two times a day. She says its going to modivate her to lose weight. Not ok with me. She is beautiful the way she is. THE WAY SHE IS! I dont understand why she just cant believe me. I want everything to be ok. I want her to accept her body for the way it is. But i know that thats not going to happen easy. I believe that if i keep saying she is beautiful and pretty and attractive and hot and sexy and amazing, she might just believe me one day. Plus group and all of her other stuff shes doing, she might get better. She told me she will never be cured completely. I can deal with that. I cant deal with her going down that road again. The road of fasting and binging and fasting. I just, i cant do it again. And the scale thing scares me because....its like a symbol of the past. She use to weigh herself...i forgot the number. But it was a lot. Way more then four times. I dont think thats really healthy. The scale...its like going back to the past. Going down that old road. Its scaring me. I dont want her to get that scale, but its her chose. She can do whatever she wants. I am not her keeper. I just wish she would take my opinion into consideration. Its like, when it comes down to eating disorders, my opinion doesnt really matter. And for the most part, it doesnt cause i cant relate on her level. And i dont want to experience what she is going through. But i want to be able to understand. I want to be able to give her advice and be able to say i can help you. I hate having to just sit back and watch it all happen. It hurts. I hate being helpless and i hate not having anything to say. I hate having to just listen. Saying im sorry over and over again cause i dont know what else to say. I cant say i understand. i cant say that everything is going to be ok. I cant say, lets just cuddle cause we arent in the same city. In conclusion, ths sucks. I just want to help and i cant even do that.
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make the world jealous
Jul. 5th, 2009 @ 10:24 pm Everyday life.
Current Mood: contentcontent
I guess im kind of a boring person. i stay up till at least mid-night. I sleep in to at least 10. i go to work around 12. come home around 11. and do it allll over again. I remember when i was in highschool i hated getting into a rut. I hated doing the same thing everyday. but then when i fell in love, doing the same thing everyday....i dont know, it didnt seem like i was doing the same thing. it felt new day to day. Thats what love does to you. makes life better to live in. Makes you look forward to the next day. I am blessed to have this person in my life. I truely am. And right now. i would like to thank her for sticking with me through it all.

*sigh* that felt good
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Jun. 10th, 2009 @ 08:02 pm Im back!
So i decided to com back since i got my little netbook for my graduation. Now its easier to do things on the computer instead of doing things on my ipod touch.

Anyway, so I finally graduated! Now on to getting out of Penn Valley! Hehe, i think thatll be in july or august so we will see!

So, freedom, i dont have that and i want that. Its like my house is my prison and when i want to get out, its like a life or death decision. Throughout the years that ive been here its only gotten harder. i loved it when i was living in hayward where i didnt have to worry about getting in on time or pleaseing my parents. But when i came up here, its been on lock down. I cant go any where or do anything. Im glad im getting out of here. I can decide if i want to go to the movies or not. i can decide if Ndeya can sleep over. Thats what i want. For the past year and 5 month that ndeya and i hav been together, we've never actually felt like a couple. We've always had to cancel our plans or not have plans at all cause my parent just dont agree with it. But now since im moving im not only learning about the thing that i want to do for a living(Theatrical lighting design) but i get to be with my lover.
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Oct. 29th, 2008 @ 04:20 pm People!
Current Mood: shockedshocked
Hey people...GUESS WHAT!!!!????!!!!???? Today mark 9 months OF LOVE!!!!!! Yah Ndeya and i have been together for 9 months. Its crazy cause it doesnt seem that long. Being with her has been amazing and even though she's 2 hours and 45 minutes away, i can still feel the love! I think thats pretty friggin awesome if you ask me.

So today...not very exciting. But yesterday....OH MY GOD!!!!!! I mean, okay so i found out that my twin brother Cameron used to drink...a lot. See...I always have thought that my brother is this innocent dude who doesnt even know how to make-out(but i do...and it is sooo much fun!). But then i found out that He totally drinks....A LOT!!! Its crazy but my Bro is so devoted to his girlfriend that he promised not to do anything like that again. He said(cause i confronted him about it) that its been like six months since he's done that besides a little bit of Peppermint Snops(No idea how to spell that) yestarday. OH I found out today that he totally has connections! He said that if he really wanted some he'd just have to ask a buddy of his and he'd get some the next day! Can you friggin believe that? I was quite shocked!

Anyway...Im done.
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hands- on
Oct. 24th, 2008 @ 11:48 am ...
Current Mood: draineddrained
Okay so I had a long conversation with Ndeya. She was talking about how we both put a lot of pressure on our relationship which isn't good since we are currently in a long distance relationship. Putting pressure on our relationship wasn't really my intent. But we talk a lot about our future and stuff and in a lot of ways that really made me feel secure about my future cause I don't want to lose her ya know? Also felling secure is my cup-o-tea. Like about me going off to college and how I actually have a plan...a well detailed plan. It just makes me feel like I'm going some place. I'm not standing still watching the world pass me by. I want a future. Not knowing it kinda makes me uneasy. But at the same time as me enjoying my cup-o-tea, I'm putting pressure on our relationship. She said that she just wants to enjoy loving me which made me feel a lot better. I want her to love me just as much as I love her. And I guess we lost site of that through all the thoughts of our future. She also said to me that to never be afraid to make her mad or telling her something she doesn't want to hear. She want me to be real with her which also makes sense. I mean , i have been pretty really with her but there have been times when i could of said something not very nice or something insulting but I told myself not to cause I didn't want to make her mad. But I just don't want her to replace me cause I said something mean or I said something she didn't want to hear. Thats what I'm worried about.

Anyway, so it all made sense and I'm glad she talked to me cause now I guess you can say...we have turned a new leaf....or is that to corny?

Okay, I think I'm done now.
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Oct. 22nd, 2008 @ 02:58 pm Its an update!!
So my girlfriend told me to update! Do you see my totally new theme for my lj!!!??? i know its beautiful!

.....i have nothing to say...
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Oct. 19th, 2008 @ 11:22 am OHHHH MANNNN
Current Location: Upstairs
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
...Not sure why I put that as my title. Maybe to get peoples attentions!

Anyway, didnt do much between my last post and today. Im thinkin of getting a new phone. I hope i dont have to change my number but who knows. So its called the rumour. A FRIGGIN SWEET PHONE and no one can disagree! Im planning on getting it on the 12th of November. OH and Im buying a watch this coming Thursday! Im esited(did that on purpose) cause then i dont have this big phone in my back pocket just to tell the time. Its crazy I know.

So does anyone have a love out there? If so dont you always talk for hours on the phone about random crap just cause you like the sound of there voice? Some people just dont get that. Thats cause they need to find there own love to see how it feels!

Okay im gonna go look at my new phone!
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I love boobs!